Diary of an addict

I'm not sure how, but I came across THIS blog post about bulimia (fantastic read btw). Even though I've never struggled with a diagnosed eating disorder, it really hit home. Especially this part . . .

"Even now, whenever I find myself alone in the house, my first instinct is to run for the cupboard to see what I can snarf down before everyone gets back home - as though I'm doing something naughty - as though I'm GETTING AWAY with something, just because nobody can see me eating. I realize this makes no logical sense - I'm sure people who have normal relationships with food will never in a million years understand it."

Food. The cute little word that made my butt big. :/

It's been my (and my hubbys) coping mechanism for years - well into our childhoods. He and I are bad for each other when it comes to food. We both love to eat: for nutrition, to comfort, to heal stress, when we're bored, when we feel the ache of the sweet tooth, etc. You name the excuse and we'll find a reason to put food behind it. Not always bad food, just food in general. But usually not carrots. Some people withdraw when they have problems, some seek counseling . . .we eat. But right now I'm blogging instead of snacking, so I guess that's a move in the right direction. Huh.

After my mom died, I turned to food. I ate - a lot - to help heal my heart. I gained a lot of weight, fast. About 30 pounds in about the first year, probably faster than that. And I have yet to get it off. And honestly, I don't feel like it. *shrug* I'd like to, but I still have emotional healing to do . . . I'm working on it.

Sure, I'm not happy with my weight right now, but who is, really. I have some family & friends that talk about their weight constantly and it drives me (and hubby, and, ah hem, BFF) crazy! Pipe down already & let's talk about some real life issues, like why the heck Jake picked Vienna? For reals.

What food does for me: It doesn't judge me, it doesn't talk back, it tastes good, it satisfies my need for control. I'm sure there's a dozen more reasons why I chose to eat to heal my soul. But food has been by my side when I have needed it most. And I've needed it many times in my life. But I don't' feel like I need it these days . . . no, I just like it.

As a youngster, my hubby would eat out of spite. Can't say that I haven't done the same thing, even in my adult years.

I am definitely NOT one of those people that can have a bag of Hershey kisses in the house and just eat 2 and put the bag down until tomorrow. Oh no - if I have access to it, those babies are gone. And I've eaten so much that I've made myself sick. I have absolutely no self control. So it's better for me that I not have treats that I love in the house. Or ingredients that I could make treats with. It's just better that way.

My mom used food as comfort as well. That's where I probably learned the behavior. Not that I'm blaming or using her as an excuse, but I didn't learn how to deal with my feelings in any other way. Actually, I'm still figuring it out, hence this fab blog. Even up to the day she died, food brought her comfort, knowing that she could control what went in her mouth. She was actually pretty O.C.D. about it. What a messed up thought process.

Come to think of it, I'm surprised I'm not bigger than I am. I really should be well over 200# for the amount of food that I consume. On the other hand, my butt is still big, so you know that I haven't figured out my issues completely yet.

So here's to acknowledging that I don't have a normal relationship with food. But I'm considering working on it. I'll let you know what I come up with.